Day 8

Not every day but better than how I usually do.


We got our copies of our new game and, as per usual, my husband is completely and totally firmly implanted in his rut with no signs of extraction any time soon. He's spent the last 2 days bitching at any and everyone he can (which means me) about any and everything he can (which means everything). Loaded and installed just fine but playability is lacking. Every solution I come up with he shoots down, every bright side I try to point out he immediately discounts. I was seriously to the point last night where I was once again wondering at the logistics of separation. 


Living with someone in a constant state of negative funk is not only depressing, it is physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting. And I've said as much to him in the past but it just doesn't seem to matter or make any kind of dent in the black bubble currently (and seemingly always) surrounding him. We're going to visit my mother in April so she can meet her one and only granddaughter for the first (and perhaps) only time. At this point, I am going to have to really think about valid reasons to come back after the visit is done.


Just about the only thing in the plus column right now has nothing to do with me personally save the annoyance that another move will bring me. Otherwise, it's all about my daughter and my husband. I don't want to take yet another child, and another opportunity to raise a child, away from him. He already got screwed out of the experience of child rearing by not raising his sons who are now almost adults. I don't want to do that to him again. Our daughter absolutely adores him. When she wakes up in the middle of the night screaming bloody murder and so upset and mad that all she can do is lay on the floor kicking and screaming, 90% of the time he's the one that has to calm her down. Granted that doesn't happen all that often but when it does, his presence is invaluable. She's not saying his name yet but when he walks in the door at the end of the day from work, she takes one look at him and runs around like a chicken with its head cut off, ear to ear grin on her face, happy as a pig in shit.


The separation would be devastating for both of them. Right now, I stay because of that, and only because of that. Living like I have been, with someone who is so completely and totally submerged in their own private hell is not something that is sustainable.


I need a wingless angel to spend the night walking him around town and showing him how horrible Mr. Potter has made everything so he comes back to us with a sense of renewed hope and faith. 


I need a Christmas Miracle. For me, for him...and for the little girl who needs her daddy.