Day 15

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. Tired physically, tired emotionally, tired mentally. And I would love to be able to blame new mommy syndrome for how tired I am but unfortunately I can't.

When I was in high school and living with my father, his wife, my half sister and my step brother, I used to go through this phase every day about 20 minutes before school ended. Right before the final bell rang this intense and all consuming fear would take hold of me, relentless and wouldn't let go. It would cause me to freeze up and immediately start replaying everything from the day over in my head, trying to think of any and everything I could have done that might possibly get me into even the tiniest little bit of trouble. I'd start from the second I woke up that day and run through every moment I could remember up to the present. I would then put it on a continuous loop until the moment I walked in the door when I got home.

I lived in a constant state of terror for the better part of 3 years until the morning that I slipped silently out the back door, dragging what I could carry with me, trying not to look back.

And now, at almost 40 years of age, I find myself second guessing every word and every action. Instead of behaving like the adult I am, I have regressed once again to the scared 15 year old who is more concerned with making sure that nothing she says or does upsets the person she lives with. The only place that I draw the line on this behavior is when it has direct impact and/or effect on my daughter.

And it is exhausting. Taking twice as long to do anything or say anything in an effort to make sure that it does not unduly upset my husband, throwing him further into his funk. I constantly check my own feelings and attitude at the door just so I can make sure that they don't throw more fuel on the fire of his negativity. By no means do I cower in the corner afraid to speak or act but everything in my day to day life has a prelude to it. 'If I text him about this, how long am I going to have to hear about it and how bad is it going to get?' 'If I show that I am upset about this, how far is he going to spiral out into his rage before he brings himself partially back?'

It's also frustrating to know that I'm not getting any of the same consideration in return from him. He has no problem whatsoever experiencing every single emotion he has every single moment he has them (yes that's from a movie but at the moment it escapes me which one). Not only does he have no problem throwing all this emotional waste out into the world but he seems to have little to no regard with how it will affect me. He's asked me numerous times to not text him anything negative or 'bad' while he's at work because all it does is distract him and he can't do anything about it in that situation. Unfortunately he seems to forget this every time the slightest thing upsets, unnerves or angers him while I am at work and my phone blows up with bitch fest '10.

I'm tired of anything and everything being thought of as 'OK' as long as it's followed up by 'I'm sorry.' It's like it's all fair game as long as the 'I'm sorry.' is looming at the end like his permanent get out of jail free card.

Last but not least, he has severe anger control issues. I don't think he would ever hurt or otherwise abuse our daughter but I have seen some things that have caused fairly severe alarm in me, so much so that I've physically removed her from him on more than one occasion. He has reacted with physical violence against inanimate objects in the past and I cannot help but wonder how long it might be before that progresses to violence against our daughter.

If things continue on their current course, April is looking more and more like a one way trip.